My first...

About two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage. (A.D.A.M. Medical Encyclopedia. Link)
I want to talk about it here, because I found there is not a lot of knowledge around the subject openly available, from my experience. I found it hard to ask others about it openly. People tend to bury this kind of event deep inside and do not wish to revisit the hurt it brings. I found the few threads of online opinions and story sharing on this subject did in deed help me through the process.

It is a sad, hard, and scary thing to go through.  and in general, people just dont talk about it because it's heart breaking.  - There is nothing I or anyone can do to fix this. It is no one's fault. It's mother nature's way of saying, this one was not perfect for you, try again.

My Husband and I discovered our pregnancy early on. and had kept it to ourselves for a bit. We were going on 6-7 weeks. I had grown more excited with each passing day.

I started eating right.
Taking the vitamins: Prenatal, Folic Acid, and Omega. - All a MUST for pregnant mothers
and I even stopped doing zumba and roller derby.
Then I did the following - I made my "Firsts List":

What do people do when they find out their life is changing forever?
Well, I go shopping. Who knows what I'll need for this new adventure, Right?!

My first purchase after finding out I was preggers:
Coach Jenny Sneakers

Because, I want to be styling when I have to trade my heels in for full time flats, of course.

The first person we told: my Roller Derby coach, Black Eye Candy. Why, because I had to justify why I could no longer practice or play and game season was just starting! eek. It's every Derby Girls worst fear: telling her Derby team her season is over - indefinitely.  

The First thing I had to give up: Wine & Beer.
I had a hard time with this because I do in fact drink a lot... like a lot. I'm a wino and I know it. haha. yeah. It's probs for the best.

The first baby Item I purchased: my friend knits, and I asked her to make some roller skate booties. We used these as our official prop when doing the big reveal to family and friends. Look how cute!

 

 

 

And then it happened.

A tummy ache turned into heavy bleeding, and the pain grew. Followed by a trip to the emergency room at the hospital.

 

I will praise the hospital on this one. They are usually painfully slow with any hospital visit. But when dealing with a pregnant mother, and a (possible) miscarriage, they really scramble, and show support, and try and give you hope.

 

But the one line I remember most from my first visit was this: "At this point, we cannot stop it. We just have to wait it out now". the length of my physical miscarriage lasted about a week. But we still are going through the emotional sturggle a few weeks after the event. Im not sure how long the emotional part will linger. Some days really suck and some days are better. Thats all I can say about that for now.

 

and after  "There is nothing I or anyone can do to fix this. it is no one's fault. It NOT your fault. It's mother nature's way of saying, this one was not perfect for you, try again."

 

Problem one we found: They did blood tests which showed my hCG hormone levels were very low for a healthy pregnancy. If your levels are very low, and do not increase drasticly over 48 hours, this is most likely a non-viable egg, and the pregnancy is very unlikely to succeed. - There is nothing I or anyone can do to fix this. It's not your fault. it is no one's fault. It's mother nature's way of saying, this one was not perfect for you, try again.

 

Problem 2: My blood type is Negative, and my Husband's is Positive. info on this at blood groups and pregnancy & Rh-Negative and Rh-Positive Conditions in Pregnancy
For this, they gave me a shot of something to counteract any of my body instincts to fight off my husbands blood type if we get pregnant again.

 

Problem 3 came with: a portable ultra-sound which showed no sings of a gestational sac. So they scheduled me for a Dedicated Ultrasound which involved a radiologist specialist. This too found no positive signs. But also, no life threatening signs of the sac in a bad place, which was good.

 

Over 4 days I saw 4-5 doctors, many many nurses, did 3 blood tests and 2 ultrasounds before confirming a loss. They were very thorough and wanted to make sure the pregnancy was not Eptopic and life threatening to the mother.

This was then followed with the blood type shot, a couple sick days off work to heal mentally, emotionally (I almost bought a puppy to try and fix my hurt. My mom talked me out of it. puppies wont fix it. but they sure do make you smile.); and blood work once a week until all hCG hormone levels decreased completely.

 

What's Next?

We were told, we can try again, once we are ready, and our doctor suggested to us- after a month or when we feel emotionally stable again. "Most sources do say to wait at least 2-3 cycles before trying again" quote from here. more info on When to Try Again.

 

Some facts  from Pub Med Health:

Most miscarriages are caused by chromosome problems that make it impossible for the baby to develop. Usually, these problems are not related to the mother or father's genes.

Around half of all fertilized eggs die and are lost (aborted) spontaneously, usually before the woman knows she is pregnant. Among women who know they are pregnant, the miscarriage rate is about 15-20%. Most miscarriages occur during the first 7 weeks of pregnancy. The rate of miscarriage drops after the baby's heart beat is detected.

 I was told by my doctors that 50-60% of women today have a miscarriage durring their first pregnancy.  And One more time - There is nothing I or anyone can do to fix this. Its not my fault,  it is no one's fault. It's mother nature's way of saying, this one was not perfect for you, try again.


Sources listed in this blog come from web pages I personally checked, found helpful, and read for myself. They are guidlines to work from. Always check your sources and ask your own Doctor for "What works for YOU".

If nothing else, I hope this helps someone else out there who might have questions or need a friend to talk to about this kind of thing. It's hard. That is true.  You are allowed to hurt. and cosider buying a new puppy. and to cry. but remember, when you feel down,   There is nothing I or anyone can do to fix this. Its not your fault, it is no one's fault. It's mother nature's way of saying, this one was not perfect for you, try again.

 



Bad Dreams and Destiny

I've been having reoccurring dreams where my current boy, SpitFire, leaves me. Not always exactly the same; but always the same outcome - leaving me single and upset, then I wake up scared of our future.

In one dream, He did not trust me, and had one of his friends try to sleep with me, to see if I would cheat.We were on a trip. His family was there. It did not end well. We had a huge fight and broke up. (***Does this sound too much like my real life past?!?)

Another time, he told me he did not love me anymore, but we would still be friends. We hung out together as friends in the dream, but I felt horrible about it, and tried to pretend I didn't mind. We went to a Roller Derby event together, and my friends were all confused about our break up. (**as they would be in real life, cuz we are so smitten with each other ) Something in me was trying to handle the situation like an adult, and I kept telling myself, adults can be friend with their ex's after a split. The grown up world is not as dramatic as the teenage love affair.

He is someone who I can see myself always being friends with. He's genuine and kind. But I would hate if he stopped loving me. I would probably cut ties and never speak to him again if he decided to leave me.

These deep dark abandonment issued keep rising. It's tiring trying to fend them off. I am constantly looking for signs of reassurance from my boy. Desperately wanting to know everything is okay between us.

We've barely passed the 3 month mark together, and are already planning long term. Building dream homes together, and picking out diamond rings. It seams crazy. It seams too fast. He tells me he feels like we've known each other for ever. It's like we were meant to be. Everything in life has pulled us to this place. 6 degrees of separation does not even begin to describe how close we are and how the world has spun to bring us together.

My dreams are probably only my subconscious telling me too slow down, and think seriously about it, to beware the past outcomes, and save myself form possible future falls. But part of me believes in love, and why can't it be perfect and made-for-each-other crazy in love, destiny.

Some links related to this post:
6 Reasons we have Bad Dreams
Dreams - practical dream analysis & waking life meaning

Trust Issues and Single Anniversaries

whenever I get  a call from an unknown number and there is a woman's voice on the other end, I get this overwhelming fear that it is a girlfriend or wife calling because they've found out their partner is cheating on them, and I'm the other woman...

I dont believe I am this woman right now in any of my relationships, but, I dont really know any of them well enough, and feel that this could very well happen at any point.

Mr. Nightlife used to have a bad habit of leaving his phone at the bar after work, and the next day someone would find it, and call me, as I was the last person to text him, or him to call. and every time I would get this fear that he hadn't told me something, and that this was his real girlfriend calling me....

I have a deep trust issue happening here. I dont know why or where it's coming from...
Well it's probs from the abandonment I've felt in my past 2 serious relationships:

My first relationship - I came home from  long weekend with my family in PEI to an empty apartment, and my Boyfriend of 3 years had moved out while I was away, and left me for a real red-head and a street bike. I had dyed red hair and a dirt bike then. I sold the dirt bike and dyed my hair blond after this breakup.

And Then Big D. left me after a whirlwind explosive trip to Dominican Last February, after his family had an intervention, and made him choose between me and them. The size of the diamond didnt save my marriage. . . it just masked the ugly that was underneath our "perfect" relationship. Once we officially split (a.ka. I wouldnt let him live in my basement apt anymore) he replaced me a week later with some dumb British bimbo. I permed my hair after this break up... I'm such a fool.

Lets face it, this shit would f*** anyone up. But I'm trying not to let it  ruin what I have now. I can't believe it's been almost a year already....
Perhaps I should have a Single & Fabulous Birthday Bash to celebrate 1 year of freedom...?

The Carpenter: Cut Off

I cut this guy off too.
Let's call January 2012 the month of Cleaning out my Closet. I'm dusting off the broken hearts and piecing them back together. Throwing out the ones that have no value or place in my life.


After realizing I was over the dating scene, I let The Carpenter know that I could not see him sexually anymore. I told him I wanted more from a relationship, or nothing at all from him. I'd grown attached and this was not in the plans he spoke of when telling me about his life goals.

He wants to focus on work and maybe settle down in 2 years, but made it very clear he was not looking for any type of commitment. or at least not from me.

We hadn't spoken for a few days after I cut him off.
but like any typical sex deprived male, he came crawling back with the plea-txt late one night as to "just cuddle for a while"

and I wanted to give in. so badly. I dont know why, but this guy has found a soft spot in me that just turns to mush when he talks to me. But I didnt give in. I asked if we could rain check, and maybe go for a walk or something non-sexual instead sometime. He never replied.

I'm putting my foot down. I'm not going crazy and dating too many randoms anymore. I either want to be happy and loved truly by another person the right way or be happy and alone.

commitment or something like it...

its late. I'm awake. buying time. staring at an empty screen. hoping someone is out there thinking of me...
on nights like this, I ponder the meaning of being single....

I give great advise to friends. but I cant seem to figure my own shit out. (a psychology degree does little good for ones own soul.)
If a friend has issues with committing to what sounds like the perfect match for them, I tell them, they have psychological issues, and are not ready to be in a committed relationship.

and then I turn and look in the mirror, and hate what I see. Myself, not ready to commit. and why?

What is our current tally for dates? 1 girl and 4 guys and a gaggle of randoms on the side?

I've turned into a man who thinks with his penis. I am playing a losing game. I'm juggling too many pins at once. and my reason for having so many options? because I dont want to be left behind. I down want to be alone. So if one of them is busy, I have a backup plan. Its a fear of rejection.
but tonight, I am alone. and I dont want to see any of them.... except one.

I'm going to introduce this person to my coworkers at our staff Christmas party... it's kinda a big deal.

Farari-Bling : Christmas 2011

I was writing out my Christmas cards, and I came to my little brothers name. He's been with the same girl since high school, 7 years. and He really loves her and wants to marry her.

and I started tearing up, because, I still have a little piece of bling locked away in a safety box that will never make me happy they way He and his girl are happy.

I thought to myself, it's time to quit crying over spilled milk.

So I called up my little bro. and had a life changing conversation with him.
I went to my safety box and pulled out my lovely 1ct diamond ring that Big D had given me 2 Christmases ago.
And I took it to be traded in.

My little brother will be proposing to his girlfriend sometime in the near future. and I'm glad I could help make this happen. If the Farari SportsCar was a Trinity Diamond Engagement ring, this would be it.

I have a little more piece of mind knowing the ring has made someone happy this year. It used to sit in that box and weigh on my mind with sadness. Giving it to my brother has turned something that made me cry, into something that makes me smile again.

oh, and I even had a little left over for some bling for me :)
Bella Swarovski Crystal Earrings

Thanks for being a douche Big D.
My family has gained more from your failed promise than you'll ever know.
*mischievous smile*

Margarita Mondays - it's over

He had grown on me. we had clicked in all the right ways. There was something there I didnt want to let go of.

Then came a text : "There was no good time to tell you this; but I'm leaving for Ontario tonight. Indefinitely. I'm sorry, I wish it were different."

and he was gone from my life.

Army men are nothing but transient assholes. They come and go, and have little or no respect for the women in their lives. If the army wanted soldiers to have a wife, they would issue them one.

I think I'm going to get This Tattoo next. It's the story of my life. The constant mending of broken relationships, in hope of one day finding something that will keep me together...

A Blog I LOVE

Chelsea Talks Smack

This Lady's recent post speaks volumes to how I've been feeling lately. This past few months have kind of been a tug of war on my heart strings. Miss Chelsea says it perfectly HERE in her recent blog.

***
In other news; I had a dream last night that "The Flake" went back to his ex wife on the final day of their divorce. (This Friday past was supposed to be the day they sign the papers and never see each other again.) Maybe its the upper-universe telling me to move on, there is no hope in flakey men.

The Flake

The New Guy has turned into a Flake. He doesnt show up on time, and sometimes he doesnt show up at all.

in short, I'm over it.
if a guy is "into you" he will do everything he can to be near you.

I reccommend everyone read the book "He's Just not that into you"
best book ever for girls going through a break up, or girls wondering what's up with that flaky dude.

Family

Good news: I'm still alive.

I've spent the past week getting to know family that I haven't seen in 6-18 years from South Africa.

My aunt has been playing match maker with every boy she sees pass me by. She tells me, "Smile! they looking at you!" - in her half english-africaans accent. it's too funny not to laugh at her efforts.

This week has been alright. Life is to short. Positivity and strength will get you a lot further than hiding from your problems will.

so I can cross off - see family from S.A. - from my summer To Do list.

Sky Diving is next! My little brother and his girlfriend have made plans to go with me. our date is set for August 23rd.

that should be me...

This is the week of my failed-wedding. Wednesday, August 3rd 2011, was our date. ..

I have the ring... I have the dress... i just don't have the man...




I am off to a "family reunion" for the week... you will be able to find me floating on my rents pool with a very stiff drink for the next 5 days.

Strong and Single

...as much as I've had a blast on my vacation. I've still had a little sad spot that carries on with me through this time.

(WeHeartIt)

This vacation was a first of many things for me. The first time I traveled completely alone. The first time I got off a plane and didnt have the love of my life waiting with open arms at the other end. The first time I jumped from a 350 foot tree top, and from a tall Lakeside cliff into the unknown. The first time I met my big brothers new lin-laws.

I've definitely enjoyed discovering my strong independent side. but it's lonely up here in the tree tops of the steel jungle.

I've been on so many bad first dates in the last 3 months, that it seems so ridiculous to want this so badly. To want someone to spend my days and nights with. to share the fun and laughs with. to hold my hand when i get on the plane and fly off to a new adventure together.

I feel a lot like Charlotte from Sex and the City these days. Hopelessly in love with being "In Love".

(WeHeartIt)

Online Ghosts of Past

The online site I use to meet people has a feature called "Meet Me".
This is were men click on the "Meet Me" button and then you get a list of men to shuffle through and must reply "yes" "maybe" or "no", and if it is a "yes" match, then they are sent a notification that I want to meet them too.

well, as I was shuffling through; who did I have the pleasure of viewing?

That Bastard Big D.; It read: "Big D. wants to meet you!"

I thought to myself. You crazy Bastard M*****F******!!!!!
Why wont you F*** off and let me be!?!?! Why the hell would we hook up on this site, Why the hell would you want to "Meet Me"!? You are not a part of my life and you never will be again!!!!

And every time I have to deal with this issue, Its still makes me tear up. I just want to move on with my life...

"I know the lipstick won’t fix it
But I’ve gotta put my game face on...

So I gotta pretend that I’m not gonna miss you
I gotta pretend that this is what I wanna do
I gotta pretend when I walk out that door
That I don’t love you anymore
I gotta play the part act like it aint killin’ me
Gotta play the part when you try stopping me
Hide what’s written on my face
Dig deep in the makeup case
And cover it with Lipstick"

Burn Baby Burn

I officially said good-bye to my bridal life this weekend.
I had some of my best friends help me set those empty dreams on fire and say good-bye forever.

I threw the last of our engagement cards and pictures into the fire along with some of the decorations labeled with our names and the date on them. With each one, I told the stars how much of a douche bag he was. and at the end I felt great!

My favorite quote of the weekend came from my daddykins: *in a thick and stern doctor like Africaans accent* "Has Big D. figured out his sexual orientation yet?"
Everyone at the cottage burst out laughing hysterically. My father is proud and proper; and would never say anything like this to anyone! He has a serious hate on for that douche for breaking my heart. You go Daddykins!

We also got to torch some of my rents old furniture. So it was a real scene to remember!

The rest of the weekend was pretty mellow tho. My friends all got badly sunburned at the beach, and we couldn't do anything for the rest of the weekend, cuz they were tired and sore. I barely even got a crisp on. Damn this African skin....

Random Rambling

I am lacking in Blog ideas lately. or maybe I'm just drinking way to much...

So Here's a random rambling for you!

I had a pretty awesome Birthday weekend.
As of 4am South African Time on this date; I am now officially 26years old.

yup...

and my dishwasher broke the night of my big house party.... F***!
so what did I do the day after the party? hand washed over 30 champagne glasses. Oh how joyous is this life...

I also have Ants... I remember why I dislike Summer sometimes. Those bastards are everywhere!

Mr. Random Raccoon came to visit me one rainy afternoon. here's his pics:
He decided I should move out and let him live in my car-port....
But then he left, cuz I wasn't cool enough. and probly found some other trash-queen to harass..

and yes, I am still taking care of Big D's puppers. but he goes home today. and hopefully I will never see that bastard again!

now I'm off to a backyard patio and drinks by a pool. Cheers!

Confessions of a Drunk Girl

last night I think I may have harassed the whole city.

Today I'm playing damage control after texting every man I've seen in the past 4 months! ugh!

Lets start with my Ex Big D.
- Dont know why. But i txt him and told him about my new man I'm dating. also told him we broke up. why i dont know. I suck!
So today, he txts me back saying" your life doesnt suck. You are the strongest woman I know and if you cant make it, no one can. You are great!"

Seriously!!??? I hate how nice that bastard is sometimes!

Then there's my guy friend who is newly engaged.
- I may have told him to leave that bitch for me. haha oops....

And now, my date from last week who stood me up - for the second time!
- I totally called him out on standing me up. and was like "Why'd you ditch me? am I ugly? just wondering."
He text me back today saying he had a bball dinner. and planned on leaving early, but then got talked into going to the club with his team friends. (he also never goes to the clubs! so this is shocking)
So I replied - well thanks for letting me know douche bag!

And I lost my house keys...
So I had to break into my house at 2am this morning.
I was wearing a tight short black dress, scaling my house to climb in an open window. Naturally, and gracefully, I fell in face first, and probably mooned anyone who was watching at this point. FML.

Then proceeded to call my big brother, who lives in B.C., and cry my eyes out for another hour or more. But out of that conversation, came some good. We made a plan for me to take some time off and go visit him in BC. I'm going in July. This will be good.

This morning I slept in. F*** And got to work an hour late. Completely hung to the Ova! But my boss took me out for b-fast. I love my job!

Tomorrow is my Blinged out Birthday Bash. Everyone please pray we have no more nights like the last...

My Comeback!

When Big D. broke up with me, his reasoning was this - "Your Hair is flat. It used to be big and fun. And I've lost the spark..."

Well Bitch... I've lost 12 inches - thanks to my Fabulous Personal Trainer at ELEMENTAL Health & Fitness Consulting (elemental.healthfitness@gmail.com) - and got a fab make-over.

Look Who's Spark-less now!

I can fix my hair. You can't fix your shitty personality!

And Tonight, I Go Back to Roller Derby!
I took a short leave to fix my broken heart. and I'm so excited to start up again! My Derby Sisters have been an amazing support system, both on and off track. Here's my new Derby-Girl Promo Pic!

I may fall. But I will always get back up!

Cheers, To being Single and Fabulous!

I'm having a Quarter-Life Crisis!

I don't know if it's because I'm turning 26 in 2 weeks.
or if its because all my dreams and plans for life have been smashed to bits...

and my work contract is nearly up. FML. It's my dream job, and It has to end!

WHY?!?!

Did I mention I permed my hair after my big breakup? yes... fail.

yesterday I reverse-permed it. It seems to have worked. lets just hope my hair doesn't all fall out now; before my birthday. wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake?

and perhaps it's also because I am now helping my mother plan a "Family Reunion" in place of a wedding. Dear God, let there be an ever flowing pool of vodka that week!

-if I don't disappear from complete and utter insanity; you will find me floating in my parents pool with a drink in hand for the next 2 to 3 months.

*on a side note. someone mowed a piece of my front yard today... random. I wish they did the whole thing. lazy bastards.

June 1st weekend...

Another Party, Another Dance.
Lovin' Life and this false romance.

People all over the floor.
On the couch and by the door.

It fills the void for now.
but I'm still alone some how.

It will be okay some day.
If we kick this m.d.a.

Running on a crash course to revenge.
It'll be the unltimate end.

will you remember when you said;
I'll love you till the end.

I want Love like This

Jim Halpert:
I bought the boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually plan C. The church was plan B. And plan A was marring her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.
-The Office, Season 6

Picture from Entertainment Weekly