Thursday, March 29, 2012

Trust, in new beginings.

Starting over can be difficult. Starting anything is difficult!

I believe everyone suffers from this fear: the fear of starting over. and the fear of losing it all.

The Attached Fear: When you come to the end of a relationship and you are holding on . . . because you are afraid of letting go of what you know. Of the things. of the lifestyle. of what you have become comfortable with. what you have learned to settle for.

The Unattached Fear: When you start a new relationship, and it gets serious. You fear investing in another person. building a home. making those bonds. giving up your personal space and time. trusting them with your secrets. Trusting them to not break your heart again. ....Trusting them.

Are you guilty of saying "been there, done that" and not giving something new a fair chance? Because someone else failed. Because it hurt so bad, you are now entombed in a self made bomb shelter.

I am.

But my time for cowering in my bomb shelter has come to an end. I'm being pulled out of the rubble by a strong hand and lifted into the sunlight. It's happier, out there, in the sunshine.   
... isnt it?

SpitFire is bringing me home to meet his family this coming weekend.
I've been slightly terrified of this event for the past week.
My mind keeps saying, I've been through this. I've done that. What if his family hates me. What if everything I've put into this new relationship becomes shattered and hopeless after this weekend. How will I start over? Can I handle another heartbreaking ending?

I've even had nightmares about our relationship.
When did it happen? When did I become so completely invested in this relationship that the thought of it ending kills me a little bit?
Somewhere in the last few weeks, I have. and it scares the hell out of me.

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